In 1995, after a painful divorce, I found myself plunged into a deep depression. The only thread keeping me connected to life was the thought of my parents and the pain my loss would cause them. This personal crisis and realizing of the absents of support for men in our society became the catalyst for my lifelong passion: helping men navigate the often-overlooked struggles they face. I started a men's discussion group, authored books on men's issues, and volunteered for the proposed White House Council on Boys and Men. Through these efforts, I've come to understand how society is often blind to the pains of men and the unique ways they heal.
The Alarming Statistics of Male Suicide
Men are disproportionately affected by suicide. Statistics reveal that young men today have a higher chance of suicide than ever before. For ages 10 to 14, the suicide rate for boys is 60-70% higher than for girls. This disparity increases with age:
- Ages 15 to 19: 70-80% higher for young men.
- Ages 20 to 24: Young men account for 75-80% of suicides versus 15-20% for young women.
- Overall: Approximately 75% of all suicides are men.
These numbers highlight a critical issue that demands our attention and action.
Understanding the Unique Ways Men Heal
Society often fails to recognize that men grieve and heal differently than women. My friend Tom Golden, author of The Way Men Heal, emphasizes that men often process emotions through actions rather than words. For example, a man might channel his grief into physical activities or projects.
I recall a friend whose father had passed away. His wife, a nurse, believed he hadn't grieved because he wasn't openly emotional. However, he was transforming their backyard—the place where he had shared countless moments with his father. This was his way of healing. Men need space to grieve through doing, not just feeling.
The Importance of Purpose and Meaning
Hope is intertwined with purpose and meaning. During my darkest times, the purpose of staying alive for my parents kept me going. It's essential to find something—no matter how small—that gives life meaning. It doesn't have to be a grand calling; it just needs to be significant enough to get you through the next day at times.
I believe one of the many reasons young people are more vulnerable to suicide is because they haven't had the opportunity to develop the fortitude in their character to survive difficult times. I've spoken with many young people who, despite being loved and cherished, lack confidence because they haven't faced enough challenges. Failure can be a powerful teacher. Embracing discomfort can lead to growth. As I often say, "Life begins outside your comfort zone." This is especially true for young men where most of the ways young men win in their early school days have been taken away from them. I jokingly say when I was in my early days of elementary school they gave us recess versus just tagging us as a boy that needs medication. Where we would run and play hard outside at least twice during the day, giving us the ability to sit down and participate in class. The only place they get a sense of winning is often through video games.
The Role of Love, Compassion, and Fierceness
Sometimes, helping someone requires a fierce form of love and compassion. I had a friend contemplating suicide, believing his daughter would benefit from his life insurance. Knowing that mere words wouldn't reach him, I told him I would ensure his daughter never received the money if he took his own life. This tough stance is what ultimately saved him.
Love isn't always gentle; it can also be about setting firm boundaries and taking decisive action to protect those we care about.
Building Trust Among Men
Creating safe spaces for men to connect and support each other is vital. Trust doesn't come easily. It takes courage for men to open up to one another. Activities like hiking, playing sports, or even going to the shooting range can provide opportunities for men to bond and share experiences in a comfortable setting.
Advocating for Change
We need to recognize and honor the unique ways men grieve and heal. This includes:
- Creating Support Networks: Establishing men's groups where they can speak openly without fear of judgment.
- Educating Society: Promoting understanding that men's expression of grief may differ from women's but is no less valid.
- Encouraging Action-Oriented Healing: Recognizing that men may prefer to process emotions through activities rather than verbal expression.
- Validating: the unique gifts and value the masculine brings to society.
By addressing these areas, we can begin to reduce the alarming rates of male suicide and improve overall mental health for men.
Conclusion
Addressing men's mental health is not about taking anything away from women; it's about acknowledging and supporting the unique needs of men. Society must move past its discomfort with focusing on men's issues and recognize the critical state of men's mental health today.
We are at a pivotal moment where understanding, compassion, and action can make a profound difference. By embracing the ways men heal and providing the necessary support, we can help prevent unnecessary losses and build a healthier society for everyone.
About the Author
Martin Brosman is a success coach, trainer, and professional speaker dedicated to helping individuals and small businesses achieve a competitive advantage. With over 18,000 pages of indexed content on Google, he is a prolific author and advocate for men's mental health issues. His upcoming book, "Taboo: The Lost Codes of Men," explores the societal components necessary for men's maturation and the consequences of their absence.
Resources
Books by Tom Golden:
- The Way Men Heal https://a.co/d/fIO4TqU
- Helping Mothers Be Closer to Their Sons https://a.co/d/7ioQyWp
Martin Brosman's Works:
- Finding Our Fire (A compilation of 12 years leading a men's discussion group)
https://a.co/d/cfGU0FI - Taboo: The Lost Codes of Men (Upcoming in 2025) - Will be announced on Martin's Mens Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/thematuringman
Subscribe to Martin Brossman's Mens YouTube channel for updates: https://www.youtube.com/@findingourfire/featured
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