How to Choose the Right Woman for Marriage and Family: A Guide for Men Who Want to Build a Legacy

 

Disclaimer this is for educational use only please seek professional license advice as needed!

Compiled by Martin Brossman using AI, my own work and then reviewed for clarity 

In a time when dating has become fast, shallow, and often confusing, many men are waking up to a deeper calling: to find a woman who isn’t just a good time—but a good life. A partner. A teammate. The future mother of their children.

If you’re a man who wants to build a family and a legacy, this article is for you.

We'll break down practical, emotional, and spiritual principles—rooted in real-life wisdom, ancient truth, and psychological insight—so you can move with clarity, not confusion.

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🧭 Step One: Know Who You Are Before You Choose Her

Before looking outward, look inward. You attract not what you want—but who you are.

• What kind of man are you becoming?

• Are you financially and emotionally stable?

• Do you have a mission, values, and a clear picture of the family you want?

• Don’t expect her to be clear if you’re still vague.

A good woman worthy of long-term partnership will be drawn to clarity, not confusion.

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❤️ Look for Character, Not Just Chemistry

When attraction is high, discernment tends to disappear. But chemistry is cheap—it happens with many people. Character is rare—and it’s what sustains a family in the long run.

Here’s what to observe:

• How does she handle stress, conflict, and minor setbacks?

• Does she own her mistakes or blame others?

• Does she seek truth or avoid it when it's uncomfortable?

You’ll live the rest of your life with the way she thinks and behaves. Don’t ignore red flags because of physical attraction. Also ask these questions for yourself and see if their are areas for your to improve, not for the relationship but for your own life. 

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🔥 Choose Shared Values, Not Just Shared Interests

Interests change. One day she may love hiking; the next, yoga. But if you differ on what matters most—family, faith, money, children—there will be conflict.

Ask yourself:

• Do we both want kids?

• What do we believe about marriage roles?

• How do we each view money, gender, and faith?

A woman may be beautiful and fun—but if your values don’t align, the foundation won’t hold.

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🧑‍👩‍👧‍👦 Examine Her Relationship with Her Family

Especially her father.

• Does she honor him, even if he was imperfect?

• Is there unresolved bitterness or drama?

• Has she done healing work if her upbringing was traumatic?

How she talks about and treats her family is often how she will talk about and treat you over time.

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💬 Watch Her Relationship with Truth

One of the most vital traits in a lifelong partner is integrity.

• Can she admit when she’s wrong?

• Does she tell the truth even when it’s inconvenient?

• Does she gossip or manipulate?

When the storms of life hit—and they will—you need someone you can trust and be someone that can be trusted.

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🤝 Can You Build With Her—Not Just Love Her?

Love is the starting line, not the finish. You’re not just choosing a lover—you’re choosing:

• The mother of your children

• Your co-architect in life

• Your support in crisis

• Your friend in old age

Ask yourself:

Can I build emotionally, financially, spiritually, and relationally with this woman?

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🧠 Does She Want Attention or Does She Carry Self-Respect?

In today’s social media world, this matters more than ever.

• Is she presenting herself for validation or with dignity?

• Is she addicted to likes, comments, and public admiration?

• Does her presence online match the values you want in a wife and mother?

Modesty isn’t about fashion—it’s about motivation. Also reflect on your own actions as well. 

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🧍‍♀️ Emotional Independence: A Must-Have Trait

Emotionally healthy women:

• Don’t rely on constant reassurance

• Handle stress without collapsing

• Know how to soothe themselves, not just expect others to rescue them

Emotional independence is key to a thriving, lasting relationship. Have you worked on this for you as well.

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💰 Financial Responsibility Over Income

It’s not about how much money she makes. It’s about how she handles it.

• Does she save?

• Is she entitled or frugal?

• Can she live within her means?

You’re building a life together. Her habits around money will either help build or quietly destroy. Make sure your own money is in order too.

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🔍 Screening Questions to Ask (Gently, Over Time)

These aren’t interrogations. They’re conversations. Here are some examples:

🎯 Purpose & Values

• “What’s most important to you in life?”

• “What kind of legacy do you want to leave?”

• “Do you want to be a mom someday? What kind?”

🧠 Emotional Maturity

• “What’s something you’ve had to work through in life?”

• “How do you handle conflict?”

• “What helps you when you’re overwhelmed?”

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Family & Parenting

• “What did you learn from your parents’ marriage?”

• “What’s your vision for raising kids?”

• “How would we respond if one of our children struggled?”

💍 Commitment & Loyalty

• “What does commitment look like to you?”

• “What would cause you to walk away from a relationship?”

• “What’s your view on forgiveness and starting over?”

💸 Finances & Growth

• “How do you budget or handle money?”

• “Do you have long-term goals or growth habits?”

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🚩 Red Flags to Watch For

• Frequent emotional drama or instability

• History of chaotic relationships

• Blames others—never takes personal responsibility

• Jealous, controlling, or manipulative behavior

• No desire for family or motherhood

• Posts sexually provocative or attention-seeking content

• Has no close female friendships

• Constant need for external validation

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✅ Green Flags That Show Long-Term Potential

• Encourages your growth and mission

• Speaks truth with kindness

• Emotionally steady in hard times

• Talks about family with warmth and vision

• Displays dignity both online and offline

• Takes responsibility for her past and future

• Shows both accountability and grace

• Asks about your healing—not just your income

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⚠️ Why Moving with Care is So Important

The data doesn’t lie.

📉 Divorce in the U.S. (2024)

• 39–41% of first marriages end in divorce

• Median marriage duration before divorce: ~8 years

• 69% of divorces are initiated by women

👨‍👧 How Divorce Affects Men

• Fathers receive primary custody in only 15–20% of cases

• Over 85% of child support is paid by men

• Most men pay alimony even in dual-income homes

• Divorced men are 2–3x more likely to suffer from depression, addiction, or suicide

• Many men lose their homes, children, and financial peace

You don’t just risk heartbreak—you risk your legacy.

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💡 Final Word: Build with Your Eyes Wide Open

If you want a woman to raise your children with, build a home with, and grow old with—you need to choose with clarity and conviction.

Don’t rush.
Don’t settle.
Don’t lead with emotion.

You are not just choosing a partner—you are choosing your future family’s foundation.

Let your legacy begin with wisdom. Remember to secure where you are going and what your life is about before you decide who you want to join you! 

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Our Journey in Men's Work: A Conversation with Fred Boyles

Our Journey in Men's Work: A Conversation with Fred Boyles By Martin Brossman

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I first met Fred Boyles at a pivotal moment in my personal development journey around 1995/1996 with the ending of my 1st marriage.  Fred Boyles had created an accountability group that I joined called the Samurai Business Team. The idea is you'd meet once a week and make a list of things you were gonna do, and if you didn't keep your word, you donated five dollars to the group, which ultimately would go to a charity.  I, who always thought I had excellent ideas for improving things, called him on the phone with suggestions. We had a great conversation where we talked about everything.  He was the catalyst that invited me into men's work. At the time, I had dabbled in personal development, done my fair share of seminars, and gained a lot of value from most of them, but there was something missing. And that something, I later realized, was a deeper connection to what it meant to be a man.

Fred and I recently sat down over Zoom (Feb. 2025) to reflect on our parallel journeys in men’s work—how we got here, what we’ve learned, and why it matters now more than ever. This conversation is not just about self-improvement but about reclaiming something fundamental that many modern men have lost.

Finding the Work: From Self-Improvement to Brotherhood

Fred’s entry into men’s work started in 1977 with Est, a rigorous self-development program that shaped a lot of his thinking. He spent ten years immersed in it, but by 1988, he realized something was off. It had made him more intellectual but not necessarily more connected to himself. He wanted to be simple. To trust himself. To just be a man. That led him to the Sterling Men’s Weekend, where he experienced something profound—a visceral sense of belonging among men, something he had never felt before.

I could relate. When I first got involved, I was coming from the world of corporate America, where I had built a life based on performance, intellect, and a deep desire to be seen as competent. But there was a moment—one I still remember vividly—where I found myself in a therapy session, pouring my heart out, letting emotions finally rise to the surface. The therapist called it a breakthrough. My then-wife looked at me with disgust. Something wasn’t adding up.

Then someone recommended Iron John by Robert Bly to me. (I bought the book on cassette to listen to it.) I was working at IBM, driving around listening to this fairy tale about men, and tears were running down my face. I didn’t even understand why—it just touched something deep—a wound I didn’t know I had. That book opened a door, but it was Fred who challenged me to go through the door.

A Rites of Passage in a Modern World

Fred did something that changed my life. He called me up and said, “I want you to come to L.A. for this men’s training.” And then he added a challenge: “Find a way to do it without putting it on a credit card. Earn it.” He even gave his word to check in with me weekly. And I thought to myself, this is safe because no man actually keeps his word.

But Fred did. And suddenly, I had to as well.

The weekend itself was a visceral experience. This wasn’t a self-help seminar where you took notes and nodded along. This was a challenge to my very identity as a man. Fear was part of it. And that’s when I understood something fundamental—no man walks into a true rites of passage with a smile on his face, expecting a comfortable experience. There should be a mix of fear and exhilaration. That’s what transformation feels like.

And when it was over, I realized something powerful: I had spent my whole life performing manhood, but now, I was living it.

Lessons That Last a Lifetime

One of the things that stuck with me from those early days was the idea that modern men have adopted a feminine value system that simply doesn’t work for them. Now, let’s be clear—this isn’t about rejecting the feminine. It’s about reclaiming the masculine in a way that is strong, grounded, and deeply responsible.

Fred shared a phrase with me that still resonates: “Instead of being a wild stallion, try on being a noble mule.” It’s not about the flash of heroics; it’s about showing up every day, keeping your word, and building something that lasts.

I also learned that doubt kills the warrior. In my early years of personal development, I lived in the question. I intellectualized everything. But the men I met in those rooms rejected that way of being. They didn’t want my theories. They wanted me to stand in who I was.

And that’s the heart of men’s work—it’s about showing up fully, without apology, and without seeking permission to be who you already are.

Why This Work Matters Today

In today’s world, men are struggling. Many are lost, disconnected, and unsure of what it even means to be a man. The cultural narratives about masculinity swing wildly between toxic and obsolete, leaving little room for a healthy, embodied masculinity.

Men’s work is about creating a space where men can be real with each other. It’s about sharpening each other, holding each other accountable, and learning from those who have walked the path before us. It’s not about dominance or submission—it’s about brotherhood.

Fred and I have spent decades in this work, and if there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s this: Every man needs a tribe. A place where he is challenged, respected, and truly seen. And when men commit to this work, they don’t just change their own lives. They change their families, their communities, and the world.

So, if you’re feeling that call—the one you can’t quite put into words but know is there—I invite you to step into the unknown. Find a group. Start a conversation. Take the risk. Because on the other side of that fear is something you’ve been looking for your whole life.

It’s time to reclaim it.

Video of our full conversation

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Martin Brossman
Coach, Speaker, and Advocate for Men’s Work

Subscribe to the YouTube Channel for more:

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Breaking the Silence: Addressing Men's Mental Health and the Unique Ways Men Heal by Martin Brossman

In 1995, after a painful divorce, I found myself plunged into a deep depression. The only thread keeping me connected to life was the thought of my parents and the pain my loss would cause them. This personal crisis and realizing of the absents of support for men in our society became the catalyst for my lifelong passion: helping men navigate the often-overlooked struggles they face. I started a men's discussion group, authored books on men's issues, and volunteered for the proposed White House Council on Boys and Men. Through these efforts, I've come to understand how society is often blind to the pains of men and the unique ways they heal.

The Alarming Statistics of Male Suicide

Men are disproportionately affected by suicide. Statistics reveal that young men today have a higher chance of suicide than ever before. For ages 10 to 14, the suicide rate for boys is 60-70% higher than for girls. This disparity increases with age:

• Ages 15 to 19: 70-80% higher for young men.
• Ages 20 to 24: Young men account for 75-80% of suicides versus 15-20% for young women.
• Overall: Approximately 75% of all suicides are men.

These numbers highlight a critical issue that demands our attention and action.

Understanding the Unique Ways Men Heal

Society often fails to recognize that men grieve and heal differently than women. My friend Tom Golden, author of The Way Men Heal, emphasizes that men often process emotions through actions rather than words. For example, a man might channel his grief into physical activities or projects.

I recall a friend whose father had passed away. His wife, a nurse, believed he hadn't grieved because he wasn't openly emotional. However, he was transforming their backyard—the place where he had shared countless moments with his father. This was his way of healing. Men need space to grieve through doing, not just feeling.

The Importance of Purpose and Meaning

Hope is intertwined with purpose and meaning. During my darkest times, the purpose of staying alive for my parents kept me going. It's essential to find something—no matter how small—that gives life meaning. It doesn't have to be a grand calling; it just needs to be significant enough to get you through the next day at times.

I believe one of the many reasons young people are more vulnerable to suicide is because they haven't had the opportunity to develop the fortitude in their character to survive difficult times. I've spoken with many young people who, despite being loved and cherished, lack confidence because they haven't faced enough challenges. Failure can be a powerful teacher. Embracing discomfort can lead to growth. As I often say, "Life begins outside your comfort zone." This is especially true for young men where most of the ways young men win in their early school days have been taken away from them. I jokingly say when I was in my early days of elementary school they gave us recess versus just tagging us as a boy that needs medication. Where we would run and play hard outside at least twice during the day, giving us the ability to sit down and participate in class. The only place they get a sense of winning is often through video games. 

The Role of Love, Compassion, and Fierceness

Sometimes, helping someone requires a fierce form of love and compassion. I had a friend contemplating suicide, believing his daughter would benefit from his life insurance. Knowing that mere words wouldn't reach him, I told him I would ensure his daughter never received the money if he took his own life. This tough stance is what ultimately saved him.

Love isn't always gentle; it can also be about setting firm boundaries and taking decisive action to protect those we care about. 

Building Trust Among Men

Creating safe spaces for men to connect and support each other is vital. Trust doesn't come easily. It takes courage for men to open up to one another. Activities like hiking, playing sports, or even going to the shooting range can provide opportunities for men to bond and share experiences in a comfortable setting.

Advocating for Change

We need to recognize and honor the unique ways men grieve and heal. This includes:

• Creating Support Networks: Establishing men's groups where they can speak openly without fear of judgment.
• Educating Society: Promoting understanding that men's expression of grief may differ from women's but is no less valid. 
• Encouraging Action-Oriented Healing: Recognizing that men may prefer to process emotions through activities rather than verbal expression.
• Validating:  the unique gifts and value the masculine brings to society.

By addressing these areas, we can begin to reduce the alarming rates of male suicide and improve overall mental health for men.

Conclusion

Addressing men's mental health is not about taking anything away from women; it's about acknowledging and supporting the unique needs of men. Society must move past its discomfort with focusing on men's issues and recognize the critical state of men's mental health today.

We are at a pivotal moment where understanding, compassion, and action can make a profound difference. By embracing the ways men heal and providing the necessary support, we can help prevent unnecessary losses and build a healthier society for everyone.

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About the Author

Martin Brosman is a success coach, trainer, and professional speaker dedicated to helping individuals and small businesses achieve a competitive advantage. With over 18,000 pages of indexed content on Google, he is a prolific author and advocate for men's mental health issues. His upcoming book, "Taboo: The Lost Codes of Men," explores the societal components necessary for men's maturation and the consequences of their absence.

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Resources

• Books by Tom Golden:

  • The Way Men Heal https://a.co/d/fIO4TqU 
  • Helping Mothers Be Closer to Their Sons https://a.co/d/7ioQyWp

• Martin Brosman's Works:

• Finding Our Fire (A compilation of 12 years leading a men's discussion group)
  https://a.co/d/cfGU0FI 
• Taboo: The Lost Codes of Men (Upcoming in 2025) - Will be announced on Martin's Mens Facebook page  https://www.facebook.com/thematuringman

This was produced from excerpts of Martin Brossman speaking on the panel discussion about addressing the crisis of suicides and how to solve the problem. He focused on the issue around men and boys and suicide. Link to that video https://youtu.be/jP3xxP4EINk?si=cnrgqvAigb2FSSzC and the video:

Subscribe to Martin Brossman's Mens YouTube channel for updates: https://www.youtube.com/@findingourfire/featured 

The Evolution and Importance of Fatherhood: Insights from Dr. Anna Machin

 The Evolution and Importance of Fatherhood: Insights from Dr. Anna Machin

In the realm of human development and family dynamics, Dr. Anna Machin emerges as a vanguard, challenging the traditional narratives surrounding fatherhood. With a decade-long commitment to understanding the nuances of becoming a father, her work, including the seminal book "Life of Dad," sheds light on the profound changes men undergo upon entering fatherhood.

The Biological Evolution of Fatherhood

Dr. Machin's research illuminates the extraordinary biological transformations a man experiences as he transitions into fatherhood. A significant drop in testosterone, observed across diverse cultures, marks this transition, refocusing a man's attention from competing for mates to nurturing his family. This hormonal adjustment not only enhances a father's sensitivity and empathy towards his child but also optimizes the brain's reception to dopamine and oxytocin, fostering a deeper bond between father and child.

Neurological Adaptations in Fatherhood

Fatherhood also heralds significant changes in the brain's structure, mirroring those observed in mothers. Increases in gray and white matter in areas associated with emotional regulation, empathy, and cognitive functions like planning and problem-solving underscore the brain's adaptation to meet the demands of parenting. These changes are pivotal, equipping fathers with the necessary skills for nurturing and protecting their offspring.

The Unique Contributions of Fathers

Moving beyond biology, Machin's work also emphasizes the distinct contributions fathers make to their children's development. Fathers play a crucial role in introducing their children to the world and fostering independence, resilience, and social skills. Through activities like rough-and-tumble play, fathers not only strengthen their bond with their children but also aid in their emotional and cognitive development.

Challenging Stereotypes and Advocating for Inclusion

Machin challenges the outdated stereotypes that restrict the father's role to that of a provider or disciplinarian. By highlighting the evolutionary importance of fatherhood, she advocates for a more inclusive understanding that recognizes fathers as integral to their children's psychological and emotional well-being. Her work underscores the need for societal and policy changes that support fathers' involvement in child-rearing, such as paternity leave and parenting programs that address fathers' unique experiences and contributions.

A Call for Reevaluation

Dr. Anna Machin's research and discussions call for a reevaluation of fatherhood's role in modern society. By combining insights from genetics, neuroscience, and psychology, she not only enriches our understanding of what it means to be a father today but also highlights the indispensable role fathers play in nurturing healthy, happy, and resilient children. In doing so, Machin not only challenges prevailing stereotypes but also lays the groundwork for more supportive structures that recognize and facilitate the multifaceted contributions of fathers to family life.

This summary was produced by ChatGPT by drawing on those sources. Reviewed and modified by Martin Brossman:

• We need to change the conversation about fathers | Anna Machin | TEDxClapham https://youtu.be/cul4L441x9o?si=0dxNPve9WYstpVyu
• Why Fathers Matter - Dr Anna Machin | Modern Wisdom 680 https://youtu.be/4vN8XfMlWxI?si=eiFNEqpUiRrKZ5L5
• DR ANNA MACHIN - THE EVOLUTION OF DAD 
  https://youtu.be/DHWm5eyId9w?si=dFvNpv_-EcznhaCO
• The book: Life Of Dad https://amzn.to/3wik4Xf #AD 

Subscribe to Martin Brossman's YouTube channel on Men 
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2bZJ31nMEhLkbQ2qfRXVdA

The Four Components for Young Men to Mature in Our Society

The Four Components for Young Men to Mature in Our Society - By Martin Brossman

If our society is to have more stable men and effective fathers, then we must allow our sons to mature in a healthy manner that values, honors and supports masculinity and its unique, positive qualities instead of negating them. Problematically, boys are too often encouraged to develop their feminine side before they’ve come to understand their inherent masculinity.  In my experience, this is the root cause of many problems in our society, including passive-aggressive and violent behaviors.

Through their maturation process, males acquire: 

• Socialization Skills.  Boys and men need to be socialized in a manner that teaches them how to interact with others in a healthy and productive way.  This includes learning how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, and build strong relationships.

• Role models.  Boys and men need positive role models to look up to and learn from. These role models can be parents, teachers, coaches, or other adults in their lives.

• Responsibility.  Boys and men need to be given opportunities to take on responsibility and learn from their mistakes. This can include things like chores around the house, part-time jobs, or volunteer work. 

• Integrity.  Boys and men need to be actively encouraged to develop a deep understanding of “honoring one's word” and to value commitment as a means of maintaining their personal integrity.

We've become a society that is quick to blame others and to make excuses for our own behavior. We are less likely to teach our children the importance of responsibility and integrity, resulting in a generation of men who are less mature and unprepared for adulthood.

This lack of socialization skills, role models, responsibility, and integrity leads to many–if not most–of the problems we see with youth today. How and where does a boy find these core, fundamental components to support him in his maturation process?

A boy needs sufficient maternal energy.  I view the essence of maternal energy as affection, compassion, and emotional and verbal love that supports socialization and the development of verbal skills that effectively communicate emotion. The mother’s focus is the emotional realm, radiating her fierce protectiveness to the child, which in turn creates a sense of a permanent safe harbor to which the child can always return.   

A boy needs sufficient paternal energy.  The father has experienced coming of age as a male and understands its challenges.  He teaches his son how to become an adult in the world by imparting the virtues of responsibility and integrity.  He gives love through attention and action and encourages calculated risks,since he knows the importance of allowing his son to learn by both failing and trying again. This is how he prepares his son for a challenging world and positions him to prevail. 

Maternal and paternal energies are just the beginning, but they are essential for a young man to grow into a healthy and well-adjusted adult.  Of course, a significant number of men have been raised by single mothers or fathers, and not all of these men are immature: However, boys need role models from both genders in order to mature successfully.  Boys without fathers can acquire paternal energy from uncles, grandfathers, teachers, or coaches.

A boy needs to find his place among men and in society.  In the past, this was traditionally accomplished through rite of passage, a symbolic process in which the young man left his mother and went with the men to learn the rules and codes of manhood.  The purpose of this process was to disrupt the boy's relationship with his mother and to mark the completion of his childhood in a healthy manner.  

At the outset of this rite of passage, the boy was in the dark about what would happen.  The mystery added to his apprehension, keeping him fully engaged, which was crucial to the process.  The male elders challenged the boy to overcome obstacles designed to push his limits and build his confidence.  By completing this challenge, he gained the right to work, play and collaborate with men. He was certain that he’d earned his place in his society and discovered his unique contribution to the whole in the process.

You might ask, “Why don’t we offer boys such rites of passage today?”

Currently, the primary socially acceptable rite of passage for boys is sports.  Sport is not just a microcosm of society; it is an experience rich with structures and intangible qualities whose impacts have yet to be fully understood. 

Team sports challenge participants, delay gratification, and provide a sense of accomplishment and belonging.  Boys and men learn to look in the eyes of other males and determine whether they’re trustworthy.  Participating in sports allows them to face fears and emotions that often go unexpressed and to learn how to assess their standing in a group at any given moment and consequently determine where they fit into the big picture.  The significant number of boys and men who don’t play sports typically miss out on this key component of socialization.

A boy needs mentoring and to master skills.  The movie Star Wars provides a great example of this core component of male maturation: Yoda and Obiwan mentor young Luke Skywalker as he struggles to develop his skills as a Jedi Knight.  At first, Luke shrugs off their sage advice but, once he learns to trust them, he starts to open up and allows their wisdom to sink in, ultimately mastering that which had been elusive.

Yoda and Obiwan pass on a lot more to Luke than practical techniques of a warrior.  As his mentors guide him in wielding his lightsaber with authority, they simultaneously impart the virtues of honor, respect, integrity, and personal accountability.  Since his path to mastery requires some struggle, Luke experiences the natural ups & downs involved in any meaningful quest and enjoys the satisfaction of delayed gratification.  He feels the full brunt of failure more than once, faces his biggest fears and discovers what really matters to him.  In doing so, he also reveals the true depth of his character.

By the time he achieves mastery as a Jedi Knight, his feet are firmly planted in his clearly defined core principles.  Young men today similarly need mentoring to develop mastery in a subject that’s meaningful to them in order to mature successfully.

With maternal and paternal energies, mentoring, and mastery in place, a young man becomes more effective at managing his emotions.  Such emotional effectiveness differs between males and females.  Words may come more slowly to a man. Thus, at times, actions may be chosen as the primary form of communication. Yet, a mature man will retain the ability to experience, identify and label his emotions without verbally lashing out or becoming lost in an attempt to avoid his feelings. 

Possessing these four core components gives a young man a strong foundation from which to live his best life and to make positive contributions to himself, his family, his profession, and society at large.  This foundation also supports his emotional effectiveness and conflict resolution skills, informs his core principles and life mission, and gives him both compassion and strength.  

The final key component that fuels the positive momentum of male maturation is having a supportive group of grown men to meet with on a regular basis in order to discuss issues and explore emotions and by which to be held accountable.   

When a young man has a solid foundation, he instinctively knows the best time to use one of his three metaphorical tools: the lantern, the shield, and the sword.  His maturity tells him which to apply first and when to switch and his instincts serve him well in any context.  Meeting with mature male friends on a regular basis reinforces his core principles and keeps his instincts sharp.

What happens when a young man does not receive these four core components?  I see three common patterns: 1) the soft male, 2) the dominating male, and 3) the avoiding male.

1. The soft male is sensitive, in touch with his emotions and with his feminine side, but lacks a spine.  Certain women are attracted to this man at first, but sooner or later start to feel unsettled about him because his core is empty.  This type of man sometimes acts passive aggressively.

2. The dominating male is hard, out of touch with his emotions and is all spine.  This man compensates for his empty core by trying to control every aspect of his life.  He is more difficult to spot at first because he’s winning by societal standards.  He hides behind his money and power.  He doubles down on what he can control to disguise all that he cannot.   

Surface level success is no match for depth of character.  The dominator’s strength is fixed and brittle, more akin to a pine tree than bamboo.  Bamboo’s flexibility allows it to bend with the wind, but a dominator’s stubbornness splinters under pressure.  This man relies on superficial means instead of core principles.

In contrast to the dominator, I consider my core principles sacred and unquestionable.  One of my core principles concerns the unfaltering protection of my loved ones.  For example, if anyone hurts or offends my beautiful wife, I will jump in to deal with it without any hesitation.  

Another of my core principles involves friendship and my duty to remain true to myself.  For example, I’m not willing to hate another person for another person, even if they’re a close friend of mine.  If a friend is hurt or offended and wants me to join in their hate of the offending party, I will offer my friend comfort but refrain from hating on their behalf as hate goes against my core principles.

3. The avoiding male.  This man has checked out.  He feels resigned and numb.  He gives in to his addictions, such as tv, gaming, gambling or substances.  He loses his connection to society because he’s figured out he can’t win there, so he stays where he can win.  He recoils from the toxicity we all perpetuate with our male bashing.

Stop for a minute and really hear the comments being made about men and boys in our culture as of late.  If we were to substitute the words “women” and “girls” for “men” and “boys,” our society would be offended instantly.  This double standard is dangerous.  It’s important to recognize that not all men behave violently, and that when we make sweeping negative comments about an entire gender, we’re throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, and blaming all men for the crimes of a small percentage.  This causes serious harm to everyone.

Real strength does not need to dominate or acquiesce; it just is.  The core strength of a mature man allows him to experience the full spectrum of feelings and a wide range of appropriate actions in both himself and his partner.

How does a mature man continue growing and maturing?  He meets regularly with other grown men who know him, listen to him, inspire, and challenge him to be a better man.  Having a group of quality male friends is absolutely necessary to keep the momentum of maturation going, because buddies will let you get away with anything!  A real friend holds you to the standard of living as the man you respect the most. 

This summary explains what I've discovered from my own direct experience, which is typically undervalued today.  At the start of scientific study, people used common sense and their observations to make sense of the world.  Now, we’ve let our experts and statistics overshadow the power of anecdotal evidence.  I hope that the knowledge I gained from my own struggle to mature and from 12 years of leading a men’s group can help illuminate a way forward for those who are struggling today.

Please know that my main intent here is to start a new conversation.  I do not claim to have all the answers!  This subject is very complex and will not be solved quickly.  I ask you to consider the components that you might have found annoying or even offensive, and look inside yourselves to see if it challenges your reality.  Often, when something challenges our reality, it offers improvement in some way.  

 

This article draws on content from my upcoming Men’s Book: Taboo, The Lost Code of Men.

I look forward to hearing your comments below. And thanks to all the people who have liked, followed and shared.  I appreciate your interest.

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This is Martin Brossman