The Four Components for Young Men to Mature in Our Society - By Martin Brossman
If our society is to have more stable men and effective fathers, then we must allow our sons to mature in a healthy manner that values, honors and supports masculinity and its unique, positive qualities instead of negating them. Problematically, boys are too often encouraged to develop their feminine side before they’ve come to understand their inherent masculinity. In my experience, this is the root cause of many problems in our society, including passive-aggressive and violent behaviors.
Through their maturation process, males acquire:
Socialization Skills. Boys and men need to be socialized in a manner that teaches them how to interact with others in a healthy and productive way. This includes learning how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, and build strong relationships.
Role models. Boys and men need positive role models to look up to and learn from. These role models can be parents, teachers, coaches, or other adults in their lives.
Responsibility. Boys and men need to be given opportunities to take on responsibility and learn from their mistakes. This can include things like chores around the house, part-time jobs, or volunteer work.
Integrity. Boys and men need to be actively encouraged to develop a deep understanding of “honoring one's word” and to value commitment as a means of maintaining their personal integrity.
We've become a society that is quick to blame others and to make excuses for our own behavior. We are less likely to teach our children the importance of responsibility and integrity, resulting in a generation of men who are less mature and unprepared for adulthood.
This lack of socialization skills, role models, responsibility, and integrity leads to many–if not most–of the problems we see with youth today. How and where does a boy find these core, fundamental components to support him in his maturation process?
A boy needs sufficient maternal energy. I view the essence of maternal energy as affection, compassion, and emotional and verbal love that supports socialization and the development of verbal skills that effectively communicate emotion. The mother’s focus is the emotional realm, radiating her fierce protectiveness to the child, which in turn creates a sense of a permanent safe harbor to which the child can always return.
A boy needs sufficient paternal energy. The father has experienced coming of age as a male and understands its challenges. He teaches his son how to become an adult in the world by imparting the virtues of responsibility and integrity. He gives love through attention and action and encourages calculated risks,since he knows the importance of allowing his son to learn by both failing and trying again. This is how he prepares his son for a challenging world and positions him to prevail.
Maternal and paternal energies are just the beginning, but they are essential for a young man to grow into a healthy and well-adjusted adult. Of course, a significant number of men have been raised by single mothers or fathers, and not all of these men are immature: However, boys need role models from both genders in order to mature successfully. Boys without fathers can acquire paternal energy from uncles, grandfathers, teachers, or coaches.
A boy needs to find his place among men and in society. In the past, this was traditionally accomplished through rite of passage, a symbolic process in which the young man left his mother and went with the men to learn the rules and codes of manhood. The purpose of this process was to disrupt the boy's relationship with his mother and to mark the completion of his childhood in a healthy manner.
At the outset of this rite of passage, the boy was in the dark about what would happen. The mystery added to his apprehension, keeping him fully engaged, which was crucial to the process. The male elders challenged the boy to overcome obstacles designed to push his limits and build his confidence. By completing this challenge, he gained the right to work, play and collaborate with men. He was certain that he’d earned his place in his society and discovered his unique contribution to the whole in the process.
You might ask, “Why don’t we offer boys such rites of passage today?”
Currently, the primary socially acceptable rite of passage for boys is sports. Sport is not just a microcosm of society; it is an experience rich with structures and intangible qualities whose impacts have yet to be fully understood.
Team sports challenge participants, delay gratification, and provide a sense of accomplishment and belonging. Boys and men learn to look in the eyes of other males and determine whether they’re trustworthy. Participating in sports allows them to face fears and emotions that often go unexpressed and to learn how to assess their standing in a group at any given moment and consequently determine where they fit into the big picture. The significant number of boys and men who don’t play sports typically miss out on this key component of socialization.
A boy needs mentoring and to master skills. The movie Star Wars provides a great example of this core component of male maturation: Yoda and Obiwan mentor young Luke Skywalker as he struggles to develop his skills as a Jedi Knight. At first, Luke shrugs off their sage advice but, once he learns to trust them, he starts to open up and allows their wisdom to sink in, ultimately mastering that which had been elusive.
Yoda and Obiwan pass on a lot more to Luke than practical techniques of a warrior. As his mentors guide him in wielding his lightsaber with authority, they simultaneously impart the virtues of honor, respect, integrity, and personal accountability. Since his path to mastery requires some struggle, Luke experiences the natural ups & downs involved in any meaningful quest and enjoys the satisfaction of delayed gratification. He feels the full brunt of failure more than once, faces his biggest fears and discovers what really matters to him. In doing so, he also reveals the true depth of his character.
By the time he achieves mastery as a Jedi Knight, his feet are firmly planted in his clearly defined core principles. Young men today similarly need mentoring to develop mastery in a subject that’s meaningful to them in order to mature successfully.
With maternal and paternal energies, mentoring, and mastery in place, a young man becomes more effective at managing his emotions. Such emotional effectiveness differs between males and females. Words may come more slowly to a man. Thus, at times, actions may be chosen as the primary form of communication. Yet, a mature man will retain the ability to experience, identify and label his emotions without verbally lashing out or becoming lost in an attempt to avoid his feelings.
Possessing these four core components gives a young man a strong foundation from which to live his best life and to make positive contributions to himself, his family, his profession, and society at large. This foundation also supports his emotional effectiveness and conflict resolution skills, informs his core principles and life mission, and gives him both compassion and strength.
The final key component that fuels the positive momentum of male maturation is having a supportive group of grown men to meet with on a regular basis in order to discuss issues and explore emotions and by which to be held accountable.
When a young man has a solid foundation, he instinctively knows the best time to use one of his three metaphorical tools: the lantern, the shield, and the sword. His maturity tells him which to apply first and when to switch and his instincts serve him well in any context. Meeting with mature male friends on a regular basis reinforces his core principles and keeps his instincts sharp.
What happens when a young man does not receive these four core components? I see three common patterns: 1) the soft male, 2) the dominating male, and 3) the avoiding male.
The soft male is sensitive, in touch with his emotions and with his feminine side, but lacks a spine. Certain women are attracted to this man at first, but sooner or later start to feel unsettled about him because his core is empty. This type of man sometimes acts passive aggressively.
The dominating male is hard, out of touch with his emotions and is all spine. This man compensates for his empty core by trying to control every aspect of his life. He is more difficult to spot at first because he’s winning by societal standards. He hides behind his money and power. He doubles down on what he can control to disguise all that he cannot.
Surface level success is no match for depth of character. The dominator’s strength is fixed and brittle, more akin to a pine tree than bamboo. Bamboo’s flexibility allows it to bend with the wind, but a dominator’s stubbornness splinters under pressure. This man relies on superficial means instead of core principles.
In contrast to the dominator, I consider my core principles sacred and unquestionable. One of my core principles concerns the unfaltering protection of my loved ones. For example, if anyone hurts or offends my beautiful wife, I will jump in to deal with it without any hesitation.
Another of my core principles involves friendship and my duty to remain true to myself. For example, I’m not willing to hate another person for another person, even if they’re a close friend of mine. If a friend is hurt or offended and wants me to join in their hate of the offending party, I will offer my friend comfort but refrain from hating on their behalf as hate goes against my core principles.
The avoiding male. This man has checked out. He feels resigned and numb. He gives in to his addictions, such as tv, gaming, gambling or substances. He loses his connection to society because he’s figured out he can’t win there, so he stays where he can win. He recoils from the toxicity we all perpetuate with our male bashing.
Stop for a minute and really hear the comments being made about men and boys in our culture as of late. If we were to substitute the words “women” and “girls” for “men” and “boys,” our society would be offended instantly. This double standard is dangerous. It’s important to recognize that not all men behave violently, and that when we make sweeping negative comments about an entire gender, we’re throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, and blaming all men for the crimes of a small percentage. This causes serious harm to everyone.
Real strength does not need to dominate or acquiesce; it just is. The core strength of a mature man allows him to experience the full spectrum of feelings and a wide range of appropriate actions in both himself and his partner.
How does a mature man continue growing and maturing? He meets regularly with other grown men who know him, listen to him, inspire, and challenge him to be a better man. Having a group of quality male friends is absolutely necessary to keep the momentum of maturation going, because buddies will let you get away with anything! A real friend holds you to the standard of living as the man you respect the most.
This summary explains what I've discovered from my own direct experience, which is typically undervalued today. At the start of scientific study, people used common sense and their observations to make sense of the world. Now, we’ve let our experts and statistics overshadow the power of anecdotal evidence. I hope that the knowledge I gained from my own struggle to mature and from 12 years of leading a men’s group can help illuminate a way forward for those who are struggling today.
Please know that my main intent here is to start a new conversation. I do not claim to have all the answers! This subject is very complex and will not be solved quickly. I ask you to consider the components that you might have found annoying or even offensive, and look inside yourselves to see if it challenges your reality. Often, when something challenges our reality, it offers improvement in some way.
This article draws on content from my upcoming Men’s Book: Taboo, The Lost Code of Men.
I look forward to hearing your comments below. And thanks to all the people who have liked, followed and shared. I appreciate your interest.
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This is Martin Brossman
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